Hand Job Workshops

Forget tupperware or candle parties... those kitchen-gadget get togethers just can't measure up to the latest craze in girls nights' -- Hand Job workshops!

Usually accompanied by a nice potluck and a few bottles of wine, wives and girlfriends everywhere are getting together to learn the finer points of the art of the handjob. The benefits are clear; no need to get undressed, there's no risk of pregnancy or STIs, and, if you know what you're doing, it drives your man wild!

Organized by Lily Fine (lily-fine.com) these workshops teach eager women fancy moves such as these:

The Twist. There's no "round and round and up and down" in this twist, though. Rather, you hold out your left hand and palm facing away from you, thumb down. Wrap that hand around his penis and slide up, twist over the top and slide back down the other side. Repeat with right hand. Fine warns that if you're playing with an uncircumcised penis, limit the twists over the head to just a few as these guys are much more sensitive.

For the Taffy Pull, hold his balls - either overhand or underhand - and when he is aroused, give those puppies a tug, using your other hand to slide up the shaft of his penis. This will give him a mild sense of elongation and you know how the boys love that.

If you're gonna move further south, go gently. No pulling his pants down and shoving your finger in his bum. He probably won't like it. He may not want your finger in there at all. Still, you can add to his arousal by gently massaging the area between his bum and testicles (the perineum) or pressing gently in a circle around his bumhole.

A move like The Weave, meanwhile, can make a hand-job sorta feel like intercourse. Place your hands together, palms facing and weave your fingers together (like when you played "Here is the church, here is the steeple..."). Then simply slide your faux vagina up and down along the shaft of his penis. Remember: Lots of lube for this one. Unlike vaginas, hands aren't self-lubricating. Make it snug. Keep it slow while getting him aroused, then speed things up to make him come. Try pulsing it like a heartbeat at the base of the penis. Toss your mouth in there if you like.

Another variation on this one: Use your thumbs to massage up the shaft and head. If he's uncut, only massage up to the foreskin, as a head massage will be too sensitive.

You can really play church with Basic Blessing. Lube up your hands and put them together, as if in prayer. Then slide your closed hands up and down the shaft of his penis. "This is sooooo wrong," one obviously religious woman moaned. You might want to check first if he's religious.

Or try the Applause technique instead. Bounce the head of the penis against the palm of your hand while clapping gently (or not so gently if he's into that) on the shaft of the penis with your other hand.

For the Victory Dance, which Fine co-created with some gay friends, make a peace sign around the base of the penis and shake it back and forth between your fingers. Adding your mouth to this one is a nice touch.

Then there's the Rings of Saturn, where you encircle his penis with the thumb and forefinger of your hands and move up and down the shaft, one hand after the other.

If he's circumcised, he might enjoy the Citrus Juicer, which involves cupping your hand over the head of the penis and turning it as if you were juicing a lemon. If he's uncircumcised, cup your hand over the head but just use the tips of your fingers and run them around the frenulum, just underneath the head.

Grab his balls and jingle them with your fingers for Jingle Balls, or rub your hands together with his penis in between for Firestarter.

And Rock the Casbah? Wrap both hands around the bottom of his penis, underneath the balls and shake. Then put your mouth over the head of his penis and let it bounce around in there. You'll rock more than his Casbah.

Finally, if you must try these at home, Fine recommends a position she calls The Butterfly that is comfortable and allows you to get a good grip. He lies on his back, knees bent. You sit on the bed beside him but facing him and slide one leg under his raised knees and the other over his stomach. This way, he can prop his head on a pillow and get a good view, and you can snuggle your crotch against his hipbone and cop a little action yourself.

Posted by katie at January 19, 2004 09:08 PM